I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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