i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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