the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
