The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
