Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
