I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
