From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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