Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
