when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
