Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
