**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
