i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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