I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
