So drunk its hurt
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
