feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
