I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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