whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
