you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
