Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
