I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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