I didn't shave. On purpose
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
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