What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
