New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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