I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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