he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
