We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
