and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You smell like stripper and shame
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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