he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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