just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I touched a dick in church today
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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