I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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