now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
