i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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