3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
