as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize