you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
