I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
