i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
