He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Randomize
