I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
