He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
