Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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