I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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