then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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