You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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