I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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