"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
