I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
