The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
