ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
