When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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