I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
