seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
