youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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