So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
