I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
