My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
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