Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i am craving dick and cupcakes
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
