The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Randomize
